


It was simmering

by MyGoldenEyes



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Autism, Autistic Alec Lightwood, Autistic Meltdown, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, M/M, Magnus is the best, Protective Magnus Bane, Repression, Self-Hatred, autistic author, description of a meltdown, just a vent fic, kinda like a panic attack, like for real the best, self harm mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-07
Updated: 2019-04-07
Packaged: 2020-01-06 11:11:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,771
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18387269
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyGoldenEyes/pseuds/MyGoldenEyes
Summary: It's always there under the surface threatening to boil over and make a mess Alec has to clean up.or Alec has had to much and he breaks down.





	It was simmering

It was simmering. Right under his skin like boiling water burning all rationality from his veins. It was always simmering. It was always fucking there. Building and thrashing inside his chest. But today it was worse. Alec could feel it building, he could feel it building too much. 

On any other day, he would have gone out on night patrols and taken down demons. Let it seep out of his skin as he pierced demons hearts with his arrows. Or if he wasn’t scheduled to go out maybe he would train. No one was ever at the archery range after seven so he could go by himself and shoot until his hands bled. Let it drip out with the blood that ran down his fingers to the pristine institute floor. But today he couldn’t. Today he was caught up in a Downworld Cabinet meeting. 

Everything was different. It was a good kind of different but that didn’t make a difference. It still meant a change. Adjustments in his life. Everything had been changing since Fray. She came in and pulled Alec from comfort and routine to a whole new world where the rules were different and Alec had nothing to lean on. And now, just when he thought he’d found his place. He was adjusting to Fray constantly stealing Jace, his best friend, his support away at all hours because now he had Magnus. He was shakily settling but still, it wasn’t enough. 

That monster in his chest that would growl and his and throw tantrums that these days would only force a momentary widening of eyes on the outside, that beast demanded satisfaction. 

So it was beyond a simmer. It was boiling and he was too small of a container to hold it all. Soon it would boil over. Create an explosion, a mess, stain the stovetop and leave Alec to clean up in its wake. 

Magnus could tell. Alec knew he could tell. He was sitting across from Alec at the meeting. He could see the signs on Alec’s face of the stress he was under. But Magnus had never seen how bad it could get, how bad it would get soon. Alec didn’t want him to see, he shouldn’t have let it get this bad. So when Magnus arched an eyebrow in a silent question ‘do you need to go home?’ Alec shook his head and focused back on the discussion. 

Everyone’s voices grated on his mind and tested his patience. These were people he knew, people he trusted. And they were saying important things but that didn’t matter. It was so much. Alec put so much focus on not breaking down he didn’t even notice that he was expected to respond until Luke leaned over and nudged him. Alec jerked his arm back from the contact. He knew it was an overreaction but that didn’t matter, he didn’t want anyone touching him. Luke lifted his hands in mock surrender. 

“Shadowhunter reflexes, can’t tell you how many times I’ve tried to get his attention and nearly had to dodge an attack,” Magnus interjected jokingly, saving Alec from the awkward atmosphere. 

The rest of the meeting went so slowly for Alec. He tried his best to keep up but it felt like his brain was always processing a few words behind. When it was done Izzy swept in and started seeing everyone out, shooting Alec a concerned look. 

Izzy, unlike Magnus, had seen this all too many times. She knew what was coming. So it must have been a shock to her when Alec stood with Magnus and nodded when Magnus offered to portal them home. Alec knew what Izzy was thinking, but Alec could just as easily hide from Magnus in the loft as in the Institute. At least at the loft, Alec would feel safe. The loft was secure and sure. Alec woke up there and returned there in the evening. 

When they stumbled through the portal and Alec made to dart into the guest room instead of back to their room and Magnus didn’t just let him go Alec began to panic. Everything was mounting and Magnus couldn’t be here when he exploded. 

“What’s wrong darling? You can’t keep shutting me out, we promised to talk about things.” 

Magnus was looking at Alec with a soft understanding that Alec was so afraid to shatter. Alec’s eyes darted down to the ground and away, towards the guest room. 

“If I’ve done something to upset you, dearest, you’ll have to tell me. I’m not a mind reader.” 

Alec stayed silent again, he was trying to collect his thoughts, rein in the raging feeling inside of him. But Magnus misunderstood his silence. He took a step closer then reached to put his hand on Alec’s face to tilt it up so their eyes could meet. Alec reacted instinctively and slapped Magnus’ hand away. He didn’t think beyond the utter repulsion at the idea of another person touching him. 

As soon as he’d done it, of course, he thought about it. He regretted it so deeply it was the final nail in his coffin, the spark that set him off. 

He screamed and backed away from Magnus so quickly he fell. He continued scrambling once on the floor. Screaming out apologies and various other emotion fueled sentences. He tried to reach out to find something to pull himself up when he hit a wall. He regained his footing and felt a burst of uncontrollable violent energy. But there was nothing, nowhere he could direct it. Anywhere he could lash out he would hurt Magnus or something of Magnus'. So he did what he constantly did and he lashed out at himself. 

He was a trained shadowhunter so then his fist came in contact with his skull he felt it. It hurt like hell. He did it again. And again. And again until that violent energy was gone and he collapsed. He pulled his legs to his chest and hugged them close. Then the guilt seeped in. 

He was a fucking full grown man and he couldn’t control himself at all. He was a shadowhunter and he had no control of his emotions. He couldn’t look up. The idea of seeing how disgusted Magnus must be was too much. So he sat huddled up against the wall and wept. He pressed the hollows of his eyes into his knees trying to stop the flow of tears. He was vaguely aware of the soft, sorrowful moans he was breathing out every few minutes but he couldn’t even think of it. Magnus hated him because he was a monster. So what Magnus’ father was a demon. What Alec had just done proved that he was more of a monster than Magnus would ever be. 

Then there was something soft on his hand, followed by something smooth and cold that had prickly edges. Alec looked up, tears still streaming down his face and saw Magnus silently offering Chairman Meow to him. 

What the hell? 

Why was Magnus trying to give his treasured pet to Alec, a monster who had just lashed out violently?

Alec wanted to question it more but when he lifted his head Chairman had taken that as an invitation to snuggle down in the space between his legs and chest. Alec stretched his legs out in front of him to accommodate the cat. He brought a hand up and softly petted the cats head. The soft fur was nice against his oversensitive skin and the weight of the, most likely obese, cat was grounding. 

“Call for me when you feel like talking, my heart.” Magnus was leaving to his study. Alec tried to find the bitter resentment in those words but he couldn’t, it was just a statement. 

So Alec made himself comfortable and continued to pet the Chairman as the irritable cat softly kneaded his thigh. After a few minutes, the Chairman got bored and scampered away. Alec decided to go to the kitchen to get a drink, he was always so thirsty after a meltdown. When he entered the kitchen he found Magnus leaning against the counter playing on his phone with a kettle of tea simmering on the stove beside him. 

Magnus must have heard Alec enter because he looked up. He looked startled for a moment then he snapped his fingers and a water bottle appeared in Alec’s hand. 

“Sorry! I should have summoned some for you in the living room, now you’ve had to come all the way in here and I- Oh You must be tired, I’ll get going if you want to stay here?” Magnus hovered in the middle of the kitchen, clearly allowing for Alec to process and either dismiss him or open a conversation. It was so utterly wrong. 

Alec hated it. 

Magnus, all-powerful warlock Magnus Bane, deferring to Alec in his own home. Alec had to make it stop.  
“You don't have to leave- why are you apologizing?” Alec’s brain was sluggish so his words came out slowly, “I should be apologizing I hit you-” 

“Entirely my fault, dear,” Magnus interjected before shooting Alec an apologetic look and encouraging him to continue. 

Alec's tired brain couldn’t comprehend anything that was happening. He took a drink of water. Magnus took this as a cue to turn back to the tea which was dangerously close do bubbling over. He quickly removed it from the heat, switched the stovetop off then snapped his hand to summon two mugs. He set both on the counter and poured tea into both before adding a spoon filled with honey to one and honey and milk to the other. 

Once done he carefully brought the cup with only honey over to Alec and set it on the island next to him. All the while he kept a respectable distance from Alec and as soon as he was done he returned to the other side of the kitchen. Magnus picked up his mug and took a sip, glancing at Alec expectantly before seeming to remember himself and looking slightly off to the right, then down into his mug. 

Alec’s brain was finally catching up so he decided to ask the most important of the many questions in his mind. 

“So… you don’t hate me.” 

Magnus set his mug on the counter behind him and fixed Alec with that same soft accepting stare from before. “Of course not. I love you, nothing is going to change that.” 

“But-but, I hit you?” Alec posed trying to find some crack in this statement Magnus had just laid out in front of him as if it was such a normal response to what had just happened. 

“Yes, you do seem rather fixated on that. You also hit yourself, which I am much more concerned about,” Alec flinched and Magnus took it in but kept going, “Besides I know you didn’t mean it.” 

“That doesn’t make it ok, Magnus!” Magnus nodded, considering this as he grabbed his mug and lifted it to his lips for another sip. 

“Well then, I suppose you’ll just have to apologize and I’ll have to avoid touching you when you’re in that state in the future.” 

That casual mention of the future, of Magnus sticking around for more of _this_ was almost too much for Alec, he almost started crying all over again. 

“I’m so sorry, Magnus.” 

Magnus grinned at Alec, “I know dear.” 

They sat in companionable silence for a while wherein Alec started to sip from his own mug. It was a calming tea Magnus had started forcing Alec to drink before bed. He had said it was meant to rid him of all that “infernal shadowhunter energy.” Alec had asked Magnus if he was aware of the irony of calling anything related to shadowhunters infernal to which Magnus had grinned, cupped his face gently and informed him that that was the point. 

After a while, Alec finally voiced the words that had been tumbling around right behind his lips, “Why aren’t you running for the hills?” 

“Weren’t you the one who said relationships take effort?” Magnus retorted with that smirk peering at Alec over the top of the mug. 

“Well there’s effort then there’s finding out your boyfriend is a monster.” Alec regretted it as soon as he said it. Magnus flinched at the word and Alec hated himself that much more for corrupting the humorous smirk with that sour look, “I’m sorry, Magnus. You know I would never, that I wouldn’t- I’m so sorry.” Alec hung his head and prepared to be berated. Yelled at for being so careless. 

“You’re right that you shouldn’t have said that, but not for my sake, for your own. How can you think that way of yourself when mere days ago you stood in this very apartment and proclaimed the same could never be said of me?” Magnus’ gaze was fiery with defiance and deep seeded hate that Alec could tell wasn’t aimed at him. 

“I thought you’d be mad. Everyone’s always mad, or upset, or disgusted. But you’re not any of that. You’re the only one-” 

“I’d say that dear Isabelle would take great offense to that.” Magnus pointed out before turning to start methodically washing out his mug, back to Alec. It made Alec more comfortable, maybe that was the point. 

“It’s different with Izzy. We grew up together, she has to stick with me. So when we do stuff to each other we just have to work through it.” 

“Are you trying to claim that your autism is something you _did_ to the rest of the world.” Alec closed some space between them. 

“You knew?” 

“Alexander!” Magnus turned to face Alec, now drying the mug, “I am well over four hundred years old. You think I’ve never met an autistic person before?” 

Alec honestly hadn’t ever thought of it. Alec had been diagnosed at six years old by a mundane doctor after his mother had been worried about how he still would hardly speak. From that moment on it had been drilled into Alec to never tell anyone. 

Concealing it was as much a part of him as concealing how he felt about men. He had even forgotten what it was called until Izzy, the bright-eyed young teen she had been, had looked it up and made another appointment for him. That had been the only reason he had revealed it to Izzy. She was too bright for her own good and so insistent that he go with her it had all come spilling out. Then she had become an accomplice in his deception. She made trouble to take attention away from him, she got him out of situations that were too much, she did the talking. Then with Jace, he’d had to when his parabati came to him asking why everything was so much from Alec’s side of the bond. But other than those three, his mother, sister, and brother, no one else knew and he never told. 

But now Magnus knew, or maybe he’d always known. 

“Dear, you may think so but you are not subtle. On our first date you couldn’t stay still for more than ten minutes at a time, why do you think I kept switching up what we were doing? And it hardly took two men approaching you and saying a few words to you for you to look so drained I feared you’d pass out. When I told you I’d dated all types of people I meant it.” 

Alec glared down into his tea in confusion before lifting his eyes to meet Magnus’. 

“You’ve been with someone...like me?” Magnus nodded encouragingly. 

“I think that’s about enough serious talk for tonight. Would you like to get to bed dear? As I said, you must be so drained. I can sleep in the guest room if you’d prefer?” Again Magnus left the air open for Alec to fill in his preferences. With a surge of bravery, Alec shook his head. 

“Actually could you come with me, I want you to um...lay on me.” Magnus gave Alec a suggestive look with no fire behind it, “You know I didn’t mean it like that, it’s just-I- the pressure is nice.” Alec was looking down, fidgeting with a worn place on one of his belt loops. 

“I know darling, I just love to tease. So I take it touch is alright now?” 

Alec nodded, “Just not soft.” 

“With you, my heart, never,” Magnus smirked and reached forward to firmly loop his arm around Alec’s waist and pressing a kiss into his cheek.


End file.
